Divorce is a long and complicated process. Because you and your now ex were once in a happy relationship, it can be just as taxing on you emotionally as it is on your time. It doesn’t get any easier if you have children because you then need to also learn the essential elements of a parenting plan on top of moving to a new home, dividing your assets and more.
Despite this, divorce is even more complicated for your kids than it is for you, and if you’re struggling to navigate that, the following tips may be what you need to help you move forward in a healthy way.
Watch Your Words
Children pay close attention to everything you say so you need to choose your words carefully. You likely have some negative feelings about your ex. This is normal, but you need to keep these feelings contained around your children. You don’t need to brew more conflict and upset your kids.
Focus on showing your children how much you still love them. Some of the ways you can do this are obvious, such as telling them that you love them more often, but others are more subtle. Take an interest in their lives by asking about their day, even when teenagers only provide a one- or two-word response; take interest in their interests and listen to them talk about it even if the specifics fly over your head; most importantly, let them vent their emotions both good and bad.
Children may feel stressed, anxious or any other number of emotions as a result of your split from your spouse, and ignoring these emotions will make them worse and increase the emotional distance between you and your kid. Sit down with your child every now and then and check in with them. When the divorce is decided on, let the kid know that it's happening. Make sure that everything they’re told is appropriate for their age and truthful.
Even if a child doesn’t discover the lies in that moment, they may later and that discovery could cause a rift to form between you two, which no one wants. Honesty is the best policy but also remember that even older children don’t need to know everything.
Find a Routine
The best way to handle chaos is to have consistent rules and routines somewhere else. School will help with this somewhat, but that doesn't mean that the home can be a crazy, chaotic mess. You need to follow the same old routines where possible. However, at least one parent will likely have to move into a new home which will be a massive change for the kid.
When this happens, you may need to either adapt the old routine or create a completely new one. Either way, make sure to follow it. Work with your ex to create consistent rules across both households but also be ready for compromise. Since you'll each be in unique living situations, unique rules may need to be implemented to fit each household, but some can remain the same. Bedtimes are a good example.
Failing to do this could result in increased conflict as you not only argue with your child to follow your rules but also with your ex who may have created these conflicting rules, and this conflict isn’t healthy for anyone.
Grieve
It may seem strange that you or your child may need to grieve during a divorce, but grief is about more than dealing with the death of a loved one. It’s about handling any kind of loss. This grief may have hit you just as hard as it did your child, but it likely hit you earlier as you and your ex may have discussed it and knew it was coming.
For your child, though, it was a complete surprise. They need time to come to terms with the fact that they will have to go to separate homes to see each parent, that their family unit has been changed and that their life will not be able to go back to the way it was before. You need to sit down and discuss all of this with your kid as truthfully as possible and let them express their emotions, whether that be anger, sadness, anxiety or what have you.
During and after this process, keep an eye on them. Even if you’ve followed everything we’ve discussed so far perfectly, the kid may still end up needing more support because everyone handles large changes differently. When this happens, talk with teachers, school counselors, doctors or even therapists to learn what some of your child’s new behaviors may mean and set up appointments when necessary.
