(Warning: satire ahead; the author in fact loves Charleston)
The Census Bureau named South Carolina the nation's fastest-growing state from 2024 to 2025. While steady, Charleston’s growth is modest compared to the explosive growth of its suburbs with Johns Island’s population up 94% since 2010; Daniel Island up 165% since 2010, and Mount Pleasant’s head-count up 44% since 2010.
The locals are convinced everyone coming here is a Yankee who does nothing but clog up the roadways and routinely runs red lights (probably not entirely inaccurate). But for newcomers there is a lot to learn, not all of it “great restaurants, pristine beaches and lower taxes.” Here are some handy tips:
When you find an exceptional new restaurant, you DO NOT spread the word especially on Nextdoor. Tell NO ONE and you might be able to get in next time without a 35-day wait.
When a complete stranger passing on the street says, “Hi, have a blessed day,” they are not Heaven’s Gate or Branch Davidian cultists trying to lure you into membership, they are “jest being friendly” and you should at least mumble, “Hi,” back.
South Carolina is one of the reddest states in the country. Its legislature will inevitably make the stupidest possible choices. Charleston may be a tiny blue bubble, but cross a bridge and you are amongst the MAGA faithful. Do NOT try and help them see the error of their ways. Keep in mind that in 2024, SC became an open carry state, meaning you can carry firearms without a permit.
Yes, nearly everything is a 10 minute-walk away, but know that between June and October you can soak through every item of clothing you are wearing in about 9 minutes. Even if you stand near the entrance of Target to catch the AC when the doors open and close.
There is a small percentage of individuals who think it is extremely important that they share their taste in music by blaring their car/truck radios at about 100 decibels. You can hear the base rumble coming after you like a scene in Jaws. If it is two AM, all the better.
Similarly, if you glance into your rearview mirror because you hear a Ferrari or Lamborghini behind you, don’t be shocked that it is a Kia without a muffler or a Civic with a hopped-up exhaust machine. The driver will inevitably be a (short) man.
If you tell your relatives in New Jersey to come on down because the weather is warm and fabulous, it will rain. If they decline to come, it will be 70 with a cool breeze.
You can spend every day of your life going to a different street fair somewhere in the city. Nearly all involve barbeque, overpriced beer and bad music. They will call them “festivals” but will essentially be five blocked-off streets with booths selling stuff you otherwise would never buy even from Alibaba or Temu.
Joint Base Charleston has a "strategic mobility triad" meaning it is the only installation in the country with air, land, and sealift capabilities all in one place, spanning three seaports, two civil-military airfields, 22 miles of coastline, and 38 miles of rail. It also means that you will be on the leading edge of the end of times when nuclear war starts.
Some of the best restaurants in the metro area are in shopping centers. I know that’s a turn off, but you get to park for free and run next door to buy a new shirt when you spill cheese grits on yours.
You will assume that since you routinely gardened for six hours on Saturdays up North, that you will do the same here. Be sure and keep the number for EMS on speed dial in your iPhone because you’ll never make it back up the steps to get to a landline with heat stroke.
Everyone here will claim their pizza or bagels are “New York style.” They aren’t. If you want Ray’s take a JetBlue flight back to JFK and have at it. Bring a sausage and mushroom back for me.