This is the time of the year when pundits starting prognosticating on what the future holds. I am confident there will be NO shortage of predictions about how AI will impact our lives in the long run. Or if other countries will attempt to ban social media for users under 16. We have gathered the best and brightest at Holy Sinner and come up with a few predictions of our own:
Nancy Mace will become governor: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
North Charleston will jump from 13th into the top ten of the most dangerous cities for pedestrians: (with more than100,000 residents). Not that it is much safer on the Peninsula, West Ashley, James and Johns Islands and Mt. Pleasant, but at least you have a statically better chance of crossing the street in one piece.
The city will finally complete all 32 miles of the Battery to the Beach initiative: only to have it overtaken by underaged kids on electric bikes and scooters insuring our place in “the most dangerous cities for pedestrians” rankings.
South Carolina Republicans will redraw voting districts mandating Charleston’s Democratic voters live only on the Crab Bank Bird Sanctuary, Fort Sumter or on houseboats in the Hog Island Channel.
Halls Chophouse will revert to a menu primarily of chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches: to keep dinner prices under $250 per person (assuming you take it easy on the wine list).
The entire Citadel football team will enter the transfer portal: saying getting paid is just as important as Leadership by Example. Only three will get offers.
Hendrick will open a car dealership in Marion Square: saying that they have already saturated the markets in the outer boroughs.
People will finally realize that the exact same doctors and nurses work at Bon Secours, Roper St. Francis Healthcare, Novant Health East Cooper Medical Center, MUSC and AMG Specialty Hospital. The only difference is who has the better parking and that James and Johns Island are pretty much on their own. Although their Walmart sells Band-Aids and iodine.
An errant torpedo from the Charleston Naval Information Warfare Center will explode against the USS Yorktown, but the ship won’t move an inch since it is already sitting in pluff mud. But the blast will sink three nearby College of Charleston Lasers.
Costco will double-down on its volume requirements so now you’ll have to buy 24 blueberry muffins instead of 12 to get the only one you really wanted. Taking home purchases will require a full-sized flatbed pickup truck.
People addicted to their semaglutide weight-loss drugs will slowly disappear leaving a pile of clothes on the floor. Throwing up their hands, the PoPo will say, without a body there is no evidence of foul play.
Ben Navarro will acquire Roland-Garros, the Australian Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open so Emma can play anywhere and anytime she wants. Emma says she can’t take the pressure and retires to raise two kids and a cat in Spain.
The terms “affordability” and “narco-terrorist” will be banned rendering the entire Trump administration mute for 48 months. At least those not yet in prison.
Rising tides will permanently inundate Joe Riley Stadium with a foot of water covering the entire field, but attendance stays steady on $1 beer and Bring-Your-Dog-to-the-Joe evenings.
Uber and Lyft will declare 24-hour surge pricing saying, “Don’t blame us, blame all those goddamnned Yankees who moved here!”
The Post and Courier will eliminate typos: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
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This commentary represents the opinion of the writer, but not necessarily the opinion of Holy City Sinner. If you'd like to submit your own opinion piece for publishing consideration, e-mail christian@holycitysinner.com.