Now that Notre Dame has gotten the snub it deserves for NOT wanting their football program to be part of the Atlantic Coast Conference (but 24 OTHER sports are ok) all the other teams are just fine with Miami getting picked for the playoffs, since they WILL have to share the $20+ million payout with the rest of the conference.
But frankly football has gotten a little too confusing with a whole bunch of new announcer cliches that seem less and less attached to reality. Let’s look down the list:
downhill – Ten years ago you NEVER heard this term because frankly there are no “hills” on an utterly flat football field. So, you can’t go down one. But that doesn’t stop the color commentator from saying that a player moving quickly was moving “downhill.” Calling it a euphemism doesn’t make it any less stupid.
on an island – Just like there are no hills in those 90,000+ seat stadiums, there are also no islands. No water. No beaches. No seagulls. Yet players in the open field are said consistently to be “on an island.” Recalls all those New Yorker cartoons of shipwrecked sailors saying something funny on a tiny island (always with a lone palm tree).
in space – Yet another terms for someone on an island, because, well, you have to mix up your insider lingo every once in a while. Unless they are talking about Major Tom who is going bye-bye to the interstellar.
third and manageable – this is the polar opposite of third and long, but manageable seems an utterly subjective term especially if the play-by-play guys suggests that the team on offense is “in four-down territory” another utterly subjective notion. Basically, it means if they get a first down the offensive coordinator in the booth made a “great” call. But if not he’d “like to have that play over again.” Which guarantees nothing since the defense can change in a heartbeat.
stretching the field - We have previously established there are no hills or islands on a football field, nor is it made of nylon. Yes, many fields now have more rubber in them than grass, but I assure you it is not stretchable. If it was, four-down territory could be a mile and a half instead of the usually 20 yards.
caught the ball in traffic – this is entirely appropriate if you are calling a game being played on public street where cars and trucks (ie: traffic) can disrupt the game (most likely taking out the deep safety first), but in a game in a stadium the only “traffic” is in and out of the medical tent, covered so the leagues can deny players get painkillers injected into their sprained ankles.
chunk play – This is a euphemism for a play that gains a significant amount of yardage. They used to be called “great plays” but that seemed way too obvious. Seems like a play for a loss should then be called an “upchunk.”
going tempo – This usually means the offense decides not to huddle, because staying “in rhythm” is far more important than everyone hearing what the play is. But beware of substituting while you are going tempo, because that will enable the defense to also send new players into the game, while the guys they replaced slowly amble back to the sidelines eating up the play clock.
behind the sticks – sticks are what the cool guys call those two down and distance poles held by zebras on the sidelines. Funny aside. If players run over those poles before the refs can drop them to the ground in anticipation, they can easily sever your arm (or a photog’s or the ball boy’s). If you are playing behind the sticks, you are making heartbreakingly slow progress. But that is easily solved with a chunk play.
If we can obfuscate your understanding of football in any other way, please don’t hesitate to ask.
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This commentary represents the opinion of the writer, but not necessarily the opinion of Holy City Sinner. If you'd like to submit your own opinion piece for publishing consideration, e-mail christian@holycitysinner.com.